Today is a Saturday, the sky is grey and there is a slight drizzle of rain, the smell of wet grass is in the air, spring is here or so they say however I read on the news that there is snow in England. Snow in April? Apparently it isn’t that unusual – they get more snow in April than they do in November. Weird?
Anyway, I am sat writing this at my desk at work (yes I am should be working!) but like everyone else who works in an office (or any job) like me, they get bored and daydream that they are somewhere else, doing something they enjoy, instead we are listening to the sounds of fingers quickly bouncing on the keyboard, phones ringing, people sighing and muttering under their breaths.
It’s always the same old routine- wake up in the morning (usually sleep in) scrape myself together to look half decent and not like I just woke up, get through rush hour traffic and pray you won’t be late today again. Largest cup you can find for a cup of coffee and sit at your desk for another long day of boredom. I am bored with my job, my life in general. There I finally said it! When I was younger, I use to think that my life at 28 would be great, I would be married, have children, a high flying career, and my own house and plenty of money….my life now is the polar opposite.
Everyone I work with hates there job, apart from the minor few, those people I don’t associate with, they seem far too eager for my liking. I have my own group of friends and I would be so lost if I didn’t have them to get me through the day, it’s nice to bitch about the same things that drives you mad, have a gossip about who is in the bad books this week and the latest office scandal which usually isn’t all that exciting but it gets us through the day.
As soon as I walk through the doors I feel like the life is sucked out of me, I try to be positive but I can feel everyone else’s sheer negativity smack me in the face as soon as I sit down. Revenue is bad, the market is declining, we need to make more calls, make more money, make us more miserable (if that’s even possible) Who am I actually making this money for because it certainly isn’t for me, it’s for the directors who recently had a pay raise and can afford to go skiing in the south of France or go shopping in Milan. It makes me feel ill when I think of it, I feel like I constantly chasing my tail, a constant merry go round spinning 100 miles an hour, and when it stops, I do it all again.
One of my managers (I have three) is a year older than me and I know she has a problem with me because I actually speak up and tell her the issues I am having but she hasn’t a clue how to deal with them or make them easier, she’s being fed down through the tubes at the top (this is me being polite about) I actually feel sorry for her, she has no team leading or communication skills for that matter, she just barks at us demanding us to work harder and make more money, like we could give a shit really.
She has her own little “circle” who I politely call her “mini me’s” not to their faces of course, there a rough bunch for being women, reminds me of little Nazis running around with an ego when the truth is there just like everyone else. I’m unfortunate to sit beside all three of them, in a way its good because I hear the mindless gossip about who isn’t performing well or who they can pick on next, but at the same time I feel like smacking them in the face.
I would love to start my own business, I have been told quite a few times I could and I would be good at it, I just don’t know what type of business though. I love to help people and to listen, perhaps counselling? I wish I knew, but it would be so nice to do a job that I truly love and know I making a difference in the world even if it is just listening to someone’s problem, that in itself can change a person’s way of thinking. Just to express exactly how you feel and know you are not the only person feeling that way and it is actually more normal than you think. I remember my own counsellor, she was an angel in disguise. I went to her when I suffered terrible anxiety and panic attacks, I was convinced I was losing my mind and there was something terribly wrong with me when actual fact I was overthinking absolutely everything, I tend to do this quite a lot and get myself into a panic for no reason. When she explained it made so much sense to me, I wasn’t crazy I just needed someone to explain why I had those feelings. I would love to help someone the way she helped me, made me see things in a different way. I suppose in some way I do still help people, my current role involves dealing with grieving families, I place memorial notices into the paper for them and as you can imagine I deal with very sensitive and vulnerable clients. I have had quite a few cry down the phone and apologise for it. It doesn’t bother me that they cry, it’s only natural, if it was me I would be crying like a baby, I understand how difficult it is and explain they take their time and if it’s too much they can send me an email. I can tell they are grateful and I feel good knowing I did something good. Unlike my colleagues who I find rush them to get the notice done because they a million other things to do, I of course understand that also, but a little patience is all that is needed, but they don’t seem to see it the way that I do. I actually treat them like human beings and they respect that. Sometimes I feel I am too understanding for my own good, people can take advantage and make me feel drained if I don’t protect myself properly. I have learned to spot these people a mile off and keep my distance, however, I am like a moth to the flame, I see someone in pain or having problems and I am right there helping them even though they don’t appreciate it or care to take my help. I turn into a little mother hen as my own mother calls me, I can’t help it, I guess this comes from way back into my childhood were I instinctively looked after my family and never put myself first. As long as they were okay, I was okay and I guess this never really left me.
Perhaps one day I will find my way and finally be in a job were I feel valued and work under my rules and no one else. I just need to find out how I can make it happen and finally do it. One day I will call the managers into the office and them that I am officially done and they can stick their targets were the sun don’t shine. Perhaps I can tell the “Nazi’s” how such horrible people they really are they need to stop being so mean. In reality, I would most likely be extra nice to them, knowing I can walk free and be happy while they will still be there making things difficult for other people.
Someday….
Catherine Wilson 